Needs. Needs. It's the Needs.

At 38, I returned to school for a master’s in psychological research. I planned to study oxytocin, the fascinating neurochemical involved in bonding, trust, and connection. And released by touch! Touch! I was so excited.

And then it was 2020.

No labs.

No contact.

No touching.

Fucking COVID.

On a personal level, it was miserable. On a research level, it forced a pivot. If I couldn’t study oxytocin directly, I had to choose the next most important question to dedicate two years of my life to.

I landed on this:

If humans are wired for connection, what gets in the way of feeling truly connected? Why are so many people feeling alone? Some even in the presence of others?

Loneliness isn’t one thing

Research makes an important distinction:

Social loneliness is about physical absence, not seeing people, not sharing space. Think early COVID. Emotional loneliness is different. You can have close friends, family, coworkers, even a partner — and still feel completely alone. Emotional loneliness is the feeling that someone, or no one, really truly knows you, sees you, or understands your inner world.

That distinction led me to look more closely at what actually makes emotional connection possible — and what breaks it down.

My research focused on the interrelatedness of three concepts:

• Emotional loneliness — feeling alone or unknown even in the presence of others

• Insecure attachment — difficulty feeling safe, stable, or trusting in close relationships

• Alexithymia — difficulty identifying and expressing one’s own emotions and needs

We barely know our own feelings — let alone our needs

Research featured in Atlas of the Heart  suggests that when people are asked to name the emotions they’re feeling in real time, most can name only a few:

Anger. Sadness. Happiness.

That’s it.

Alexithymia is often cited as affecting about 20% of the population. But my research, perhaps representing more modern times, suggested something very different. In my sample, nearly 67% met criteria for alexithymia, with another 13% showing partial difficulty.

In other words: most of us don’t actually know what we’re feeling.

And if that’s true about feelings, then needs are an even bigger mystery.

We are driven by needs — whether we know them or not

This is the part I care about most.

Needs don’t disappear just because we can’t name them.

They drive us anyway. Subconsiously. Consciously. To fulfillment or to frozen.

Our brains are constantly adapting in an attempt to get needs met — through relationships, work, over-functioning, substances, or attachment to people who aren’t good for us.

We often say, “This is just who I am.”

But very often, what’s actually happening is this:

A need is pulling the strings.

This helps explain why people stay in relationships, jobs, or situations that don’t really work — because some needs are being met, even if many aren’t. It also helps explain why some people avoid relationships altogether: if certain needs feel impossible to meet, why try?

One person cannot meet all your needs — and never could

We’ve quietly adopted an impossible model of relationships.

Your partner is supposed to be your lover, best friend, adventure buddy, emotional processor, therapist, and primary support system.

That model doesn’t work — and most of us know it, even if we don’t have language for it.

As our social circles have shrunk, our unmet needs have grown.

Culturally, it can feel like we’re stuck in a bad relationship we want to leave — but don’t know how.

Why emotional loneliness and insecure attachment go together

My research showed that emotional loneliness was strongly correlated with both alexithymia and insecure attachment.

That made sense.

How can you feel securely attached if:

• you don’t know what you’re feeling

• you don’t know what you need

• and the people around you can’t respond to what isn’t named

  
  

Needs that stay invisible can’t be met.

And unmet needs don’t just hurt — they destabilize.

Why Oxytocin Bathing exists

As obsessed as I had been with oxytocin, I’m now equally as obsessed with needs.

Come here for touch and, hopefully, leave with more.

I want you to have a place where you can express, discover, and talk about what your needs actually are — whether it’s the first or the millionth time.

You don’t need to arrive knowing.

You might realize you need:

• reassurance

• slowness

• to be held

• to be told you’re special

• playfulness

• to feel prioritized

• to feel alive

• 
  

None of that is wrong. Or too much. Or embarrassing.

It’s human. It's a space where you’re allowed and encouraged to explore your needs out loud.

Where you’re reminded — again and again — that having needs is okay.

That’s what I offer.

Because getting your needs met is foundational to secure connection. It starts with knowing them.

Then learning how to communicate them.

Understanding your needs won’t solve everything.

But without that understanding, we’re all just being dragged around by forces we don’t recognize.

And I believe we can do better than that.

So come on over. Tell me what you need.

Even, especially, if you don’t know yet.

We’ll figure it out together — so you can take that clarity back into the world.